Advanced Theories
by llivla
Summary: Sakura gets jeal, er, angry, when the girl at the ramen stand hits on Naruto, and beats up the unhelpful Freudian diagnosis. Then Sai finds himself in a situation he REALLY doesn't want to be in. Sort of SaixSakura PWPs.
1. Freudian Diagnosis

Sexual Frustration

Summary: After that fun time of almost getting killed by Akatsuki and the even funner present with Team Hebi in Konoha, Sakura get's jeal--angry, when the girl at the ramen stand hits on Naruto. There is an unsympathetic voice laughing in the background with his completely unhelpful Freudian diagnosis. Sakura has one of her own: punching the crap out of it. Implied SaixSakura

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"So there Naruto and I were, at Ichiraku's.

"I know, big surprise right? And yes, he tried to call it a date but I just didn't say anything, because he looks so sweet like that. Anyway, that girl at the ramen stand, Umechi or _what_ever...

"No. You are hearing things. I did NOT just growl.

"...I can't explain it. Well, yes I can. You see, she started...flirting. As in, with Naruto. I'm a girl, I know these things when I see it. And it was just wrong, so incredibly wrong because it's _Naruto_ and she was smiling at him and he was stupidly smiling back at her because he's just that stupidly thick or just in denial that someone could like him, and I don't know why I suddenly...

"It was ridiculous because Naruto's never going to like another girl other than me because he's just really simple-minded like that; and he's never going to be as a obsessive with anything as he is saving Sasuke-kun, but..."

"I just..." she tried to find the right words, but it was difficult. "I wanted to stab her. And not just once with a kunai. Like, a _thousand_ different times with a _thousand_ nice and sharp pretty kunai until she looked like a slice of that one kind of cheese I can never remember..."

"I don't like it when Naruto tries to ask me out on a date, but I can't _stand it_ when other girls notice that Naruto is good-looking. It's driving me crazy to the point I can't think properly and I'm just so..._angry_ about it. What's up with that?"

Ugh. This was so stupid. She sounded like a one-dimensional twat from one of Jiraiya's trashy novels she snagged after finally knocking out Kakashi-sensei when he mistakenly said she hit well for a girl the other week. Hn, obviously seeing her in action still hadn't let anything sink in yet!

A sword plunged from a point too fast for her to see. She spun, and felt her back nerves shiver as it sensed the metal missing her by small centimeters. Another came at her and she jumped, using the chakra in her legs to attach to a tree trunk. When another blade came at her, she used it when it tried to follow her going through the tree. As the trunk snapped in half, she pushed off, dodging three more, and then caught the upper half of the tree and swung it like a bat a the offending objects. Discarding it, she watched the dust settle, and then met Sai's waiting, challenging eyes among the splatters of ink from his destroyed jutsus.

She liked sparring with Sai because unlike Kakashi-sensei or Naruto, Sai wasn't so innocently prejudiced (or nice enough) to hesitate in beating the shit out of a girl. And she had so much pent up, agitated energy lately she didn't think she could stand it any longer.

He gracefully lashed out a series of bug paintings that made her girly side go _squick_ (and he knew it too).

"That's easy," Sai said, "You're sexually frustrated."

She somehow nailed him right in the face. "**What was that**!?"

She was the strongest woman he'd ever met, even in Root, he reflected, rubbing his throbbing jaw. "Well, now we now how to get you moving," Sai muttered, lowering his hand as he picked himself up. "But you have to admit it's a little sad."

She narrowed her eyes. "I've had sex."

He looked at her with blank curiosity. "With Naruto?"

She went red. "No!"

"But...you don't talk to anyone else. You're a loser."

She tried to punch him again, but he was ready this time and only laughed as he dodged it.

"You're showing all the signs," Sai said behind her with his cheerful amusement. Growling, she intercepted the blow he was going to deliver to her head and used that arm to slam him on his back in front of her.

"Like what?"

"Well, for one..." The real Sai pushed up the hairs on the back of her neck with a kunai poised with his other hand, and the she realized the object she thought she'd bested was only an illusion. She also had flashbacks of watching Naruto fighting Kakashi-sensei.

But better, because _she_ was being targeted instead of watching.

Sai said, "All this reckless energy, it's repressed, unreleased sexual frustration. You don't want Naruto because he isn't your imaginary Sasuke-kun, but you don't want him with anyone else and it kills you. You're like a firecracker ready to explode. I read it in a book once on how to deal with ugly, violent women of Spartan muscle."

She delivered all her chakra to the back of her neck and slammed backwards, the force of her suddenly steel skin knocking Sai's wrist away with the kunai and she spun to try delivering a punch. She grunted as his leg swept at her left and she nearly wiped out.

"You think I'm in love with Naruto?" She said disconnectedly as she sought to land one at his gut. _Or his crotch_, she thought. She wasn't really all that picky.

"Ha ha! No, no..." Sai grinned. "I think you're jealous and don't want him to get any nookie when you can't. Especially with the Uchiha."

She finally nailed him in the face again. "Pervert! God you're as bad as Kakashi-sensei or Jiraiya." And she didn't want to think about Sasuke-kun brushing her off. Again.

Although at least he was gentler about it (by not calling her annoying, he only said that to the red haired psychotic maniac trying to rape him), and was actually quite more respectful since he saw her shatter Swamp Thing's jaw after he called Naruto an animal when their paths crossed against the Akatsuki.

Still…

She continued to fume in what was NOT sexual frustration that Sasuke-kun STILL did not want her, …and Naruto only thought he did. Especially since those two demanded too much from each other to keep Sakura sane in their presence for very long these days anyway.

She grinned at the sight of Sai a yard in front of her as the dust settled.

"What is it with you and punching my face?" Sai wiped a bit of blood off his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I'm aiming for your mouth! Then you won't be able to cause anymore damage with it." She set her footing, feeling the thrill in her veins like when she went against Sasori.

"You've been punching Naruto's mouth for years," Sai pointed out, "Clearly the approach doesn't produce your desired results."

She couldn't think of anything to say to that so she just settled to redoubling her efforts at pounding his condescending ass into the ground. "Whoa," Sai said as she landed one on a tree.

"Have some expression of threat when I'm hurting you!"

"Hag, I don't have _time_." He ducked a swing she sent at his head, and then the one she swung with her other arm at his side as she slowly was pushing him back towards the trees.

"You might need to get insurance for me," Sakura panted out smugly as she swiped. Then there was a spike of pain in her middle before the wind was knocked out her and she was flat on her stomach, eyes shut more in frustration at herself than in pain.

"I have insurance," Sai shot back somewhere above her, "It's called common sense, like leaving your front open. You don't do it."

"I'm...going to rearrange your pretty face," she grunted, trying to ignore the tight pain in her stomach where he kicked her.

"...You think my face is pretty?"

"Because it looks like Sasuke-kun's."

She heard him sigh dejectedly and saw her chance. She swung a chakra-focused leg out and knocked him down on his back with a surprised cry.

Ha...

She panted heavily and was quite pleased that, next to her, his emotionless face was showing signs of fatigue as well. "Mercy?" She managed out. She was so exhausted she couldn't even...

"To an ugly hag like you?"

"..."

She drove her fist down like a hammer into his core, but he twisted the necessary inches away and there was a hand-span indent in the ground instead of in his vital organs.

Instead of shuddering or smiling affectionately like Naruto or gaping in surprise like Kakashi-sensei, Sai only laughed as if it were completely natural. Surprising yes, but not unusual. Expected expectation from his opponent.

Sai sat up and grinned at a point off in the distance while they cooled off. "I'm glad I could help you with your sexual frustration."

"I am not sexually frustrated."

"Anymore."

_You two fight like Sasuke-kun and Naruto._ Ino had said that of her and Sai when she came into the tea house a little battered.

She looked at her sparring partner and thought, _Just now, with Sai..._

_This...was how I wanted them to fight **me**... _

To respect her, rather than only protect her.

She turned onto her back and looked up at the sky with him, a relaxed smile tugging. "I do feel better after beating you up."

He poked her with his jutsu brush. "I love you too, hag."

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Yay for crack pairings. Although I'm more of an obsessed KakashixSakura slash NarutoxSakura fan myself, I think Sai and Sakura are too hilarious together for my brain to ignore.


	2. Dream Girl

Dream Girl

_they go for you_  
_with their love and fear_  
_they go for you_  
_and never disappear_  
girls by nizlopi

* * *

Sai realized Naruto wasn't kidding when he said Sakura-san could kill someone. Like when she first punched him after meeting him, he wondered, now, watching her make the two-voiced plant man scream for his mother, how someone with pink hair could be so inescapably violent. She seemed even more so today, if that was even possible. He almost felt bad for Zetsu...if the flora nightmare hadn't tried to eat him.

...No, he deserved having his pinchers ripped off.

"Oi hag," Sai called, seeing her triumphantly relax from battle stance as the Akatsuki member's body stopped breathing. "You could take up ANBU if you keep that up."

Sakura looked around. "Naruto...?" She looked at Sai, stiff. "Where's Naruto?"

Sai blinked. He looked around. "Oh, er...yeah..." Sai muttered, wondering how he could this and run away, with dignity. Under Sakura's blinking gaze, he eventualy strung an explanation about about Sasuke-kun, ...yes...and...Naruto had snapped at Sai to protect her (HA)...before taking off after him. And personally, he thought they were having jutsu _relations_ - it was the only explanation for their prolonged eye contact. But that was another opinion he learned long ago to keep to himself. So instead he looked at her and waited.

Sakura's body began to shake.

Sai swallowed as he felt a different sort of intent rolling off her, thank gods it wasn't aimed at him for once. Naruto really knew how to pick a woman, he blinked warily. It was rather facinating...morbid... disconcerting...and he took a step back.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Sakura screamed. "WHY IS IT WHENEVER I DO SOMETHING AWESOME MY TEAMMATES ARE GONE-BECAUSE NARUTO'S ADD WENT OFF THE FRITZ AND HE LEFT?"

Sai felt a little insulted being as he was one of said teammates and was still indeed present. But whatever. "Hag, quit throwing a hissy fit."

"I'M ALLOWED TO HAVE A HISSY FIT EVERY NOW AND THEN!"

"Why is that?"

"_Because_," she snarled.

"Because _why_?"

"_Because I'm tired of being left behind!_"

Adrenaline rush hitting maximum level, Sakura broke down into tears on the ground, a psychological, possibly sexually frustrated (again, he knew to keep this to himself) mess.

Sai looked at Swamp Thing like he would have given anything to be him right now. Or just as physically removed from this position as possible. _Why me?_ Seriously, what was someone supposed to do in a time like this? Root had not covered this situation in ANBU training, and so far his endeavors to apply _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ continually backfired when applying the lessons to navigate Haruno Sakura and the mess that was her tangled relationships.

"Er," Sai said to her back, "...Think...positive..." The snarl tugging at her lips told him his condescension was less welcome than ever. "Er..." He coughed. Forget retreiving Uchiha Sasuke, he was going to make Naruto the Wonder Idiot pay for this. "If you look at it this way: if Naruto had been here you might not have gotten a chance to fight Zetsu."

"Huh?" Sakura's eyes narrowed in frustration. "What are you, what are you talking about?"

"Well..." He blinked at her slowly, wondering if what he was about to say would calm her down or end his life. Such a sad way... He couldn't even summon a smile, just blank...nervousness. Sakura was _frightening_. And an anomaly. Anamolies usually interested him but this was dynamites, cyanide, and metal wire in a lightning storm all at once: way too dangerous even for his flexible standards. He swallowed again. "...He would be too worried about you getting hurt to let you fight to the death wouldn't he?"

Sakura stared at him, eyes still wet. It was rather ridiculous...and yet... her shoulders sagged. She could see that he was right-Naruto would have been gasping "Sakura-chan!" every time she got a scrape, and she would probably get distracted by his inflictions too. _Grudgingly, _her look said,_ I will admit this is for the better. _

She gave Swamp Thing Copyright Infingement's body a swift chakra-filled kick, sending it flying and smashing into the cliff wall. Sai winced.

"I feel better now," she announced, turning from the body that was now a few meters away.

Sai nodded...but walked a bit from her that he deemed safe range should she have another mood swing on their path back to the rest of the group.

"Sai," she said curtly, not slowing her pace.

"Yes?"

For a moment she didn't continue. He was _startled_ when her touch came to his shoulder. "I'll heal your hand now."

* * *

"Thanks for the tactical support," she said too breezily, over their joined hands. Over the sensation of her chakra reconnecting his bones, soothing his muscles and nerves, Sai was still trying to figure out how she'd manage to physically surprise an Anbu. It didn't seem to occur to her.

"What," Sai said. "Are you talking about? What pointers?" He surveyed her. "You have a concussion from that avalanche Zetsu caused earlier."

He caught a flash of her flushing cheeks as she flinched her gaze away from him, back down to her work. "No! I... fine. Look, I meant, 'thanks for watching my back but letting me have a chance to fight.'"

"You couldn't just tell me that?"

"I was trying to be... Forget it."

"Dramatic? Typical of you. Well you aren't very smooth about it," he said honestly. "You're an open book most of the time; it suits you better."

"Shut up."

"You got that moment from one of those romance novels you read didn't you?"

"Shut up! And, and - shut up! Why would I waste a romance novel character tactic on _you_!" She shoved his hand back at him. "Done. Ass."

"Hag."

"Hag-who-didn't-break-her-hands, to you."

He flexed his fingers experimentally. "They knew about me. You caught that right?"

"Yes." Concern clouded her eyes. "If Zetsu planned on meeting not just Naruto, but fighting you, and your ink jutsu... he took the time to stop you from fighting effectively."

"I think it's safe to say Akatsuki knows my name and signature as well."

"Yes."

"'A Root solider with a compromised identity to the enemy is a weak, dead branch Konoha has no use for.'" Sai quoted. It was from one of the few books Root children had access, one of the first he'd been given.

"Konoha," Sakura softly grumbled. "Or Danzou?"

He hadn't felt sad or scared sharing the line: many things Naruto and Sakura were horrified by, Sai found to be commonplace. But at her bitterness, Sai felt a odd, nervous tickling down in his belly. There was a flicker in her eyes as she looked at him that made him nervous.

He rarely had the urge to paint people. He most especially never had the urge to paint his two teammates. Paper and ink made them still. It disturbed him.

This was another of those moments Sai decided he would never want to paint.

"We need to regroup with the others." He said.

She blinked, remembering herself - and, he realized, pulled back. He hadn't noticed her increased proximity. He hadn't registered disliking it, either.

"Time to rejoin the fight," she agreed. He watched her eye twitch and the violence of her chakra crackling readily in her fists once more, to punch and break anything at the slightest provocation. His lips twitched to a real smile.


End file.
